[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
The Struggle
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!