My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
You Might Also Like
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.