We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey