Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
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I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore