Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.