I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
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8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.