Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Stop sending me this shit.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Bootstraps
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget