You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Breaking news:
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.