I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
You Might Also Like
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
scares
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Good dog. ❤️
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes