My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I am also baked goods
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.