When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
You Might Also Like
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
me before I type out affect or effect
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.