In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
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so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.