[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”