I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Bike for sale
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.