It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
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All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone