I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
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I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
How to properly lift a body
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
When you’ve simply given up.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*