*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play