[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Krampus.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.