Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee