My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
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Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
When they try to steal your moment.
Body by Oreos
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Well, this explains it:
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME