me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.