NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
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I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.