8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
You Might Also Like
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.