“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
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Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
This kinda thing happens to me often
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…