Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.