When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
You Might Also Like
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.