When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not