My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”