I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.