Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”