There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 馃檮
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i鈥檝e destroyed it now
5 made a window cling, and it鈥檚 the most corrupt Sun I鈥檝e ever seen.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My kid鈥檚 piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can鈥檛 figure out if you like it or not
you will never know the true number of layers
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98