Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
fixed it
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.