“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
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My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My background check bounced.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.