When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?