Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”