*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?