I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*