For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
✌️
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My work here is done
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
get you a girl who
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Venn
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.