Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…