When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
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WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr