My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.