Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid