The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
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Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Chemical wingman
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.