I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
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I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.