I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
hey, alexa
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me