[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually