*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
You Might Also Like
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.