Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*