*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.