Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey